Work.

Today, I realize that I love my job.

I suppose I should say "rediscovered" because I've realized this before.  Yet, I spent a good deal of my afternoon bemoaning my situation and my uncertainty.  I'm anxious about the moments of my days that are spent alone, not because I do not enjoy being alone, but because I no longer feel that my days are productive.  To be honest though, I did not feel that they were productive even when I was working.  But when I was working, I had the illusion of productivity.  I have human contact before noon.  I am uncertain that this is a good path for me.

I suppose that's what it is to be ultimately, undecided; it is to be uncertain.

Most recently, I have viewed uncertainty as a curse, a reason for anxiety. I try not to think about it, but there are a great many things which I fear now, that I did not only one year ago. I am afraid of stop lights, because there was this one time I was at a stop light, when it suddenly occurred to me that maybe it would never turn green.  and I did not believe it would ever turn green.  I'm afraid of bridges, because I once wrote about a girl who wanted to fly away from her life, and I'm afraid that someday I might too.  I'm afraid of leaving my house some days, especially by myself. I am afraid.

But it will not conquer me forever.

I love my job. I know it well and, most days, I'm good at it. The restaurant starts as a pristine machine and then unravels into chaos. And everyday I get through chaos. I conquer chaos; sometimes, for a moment, chaos conquers me.  But every shift, I conquer my fears, I stay steadfast through the storms of uncertainty and confusion.  It's just a simple process, one gives me hope to face my days. Things will get better.  If the only sure thing in life is change, then this too shall pass.