You've Got Mail

I cannot tell you how many times I've seen the movie "You've Got Mail".

I can probably quote every single line.  

First of all, may I just say this movie has the best soundtrack ever. 

There are so many things that Kathleen Kelly says that resonate on a deeper level.  And Tom Hanks plays the most lovable millionaire as Joe Fox. 

If I went walking through a park, and heard a man shouting after a dog (preferably a golden retriever) named Brinkley, I would turn, and I would walk up to that man and kiss him on the spot.

I think what I like so much about this movie, is that both Kathleen and Joe, are real people.  They're whole. 

I went to coffee today with a former classmate, and we discussed the concept of being whole.  To be completely correct, I took over the conversation and vented about many of my relationship reflections.  I have many because I haven't been in a real relationship, well, ever.  So I've been able to spend years observing without dipping even a toe into those rough waters.

As a senior in college, I had a conversation with a recent grad where we discussed what was missing in life.  I was idealistic at the time.  I had quit the one thing that I had used to identify myself as a human being, and I was feeling its absence.

Think of yourself as a toddler playing with blocks.  Do you remember the first time you realized that the square block did not fit into the circle shaped hole.  Nor did the triangle.  The trapezoid.  It's so basic, yet such a pivotal learning experience.

I told her, suddenly my chest felt like it was home to a gaping hole.  And no matter what I tried; boys, alcohol, school work, extracurricular activities, the hole remained. 

I said that I didn't know what to do to fill the hole.  And she said, "Maybe it's not about filling the hole.  Maybe it's about learning to live with the hole."

It it's about knowing that you are, and forever will be slightly unfinished, but that that is okay, maybe we're all okay in the end.

And yet, I see friends going after relationships and careers that are ultimately unfulfilling, in attempts to fill that hole.  Sometimes, the fact that I am try to accept the hole, to allow it to be empty, scares me.  It makes me feel insecure.  

Tonight, for the first time in quite some time, I feel like I might be on the right path.

Through my rambling, my former classmate was able to interject something that I think it is incredibly important to remember.  Fear is okay.

"If your dreams do not scare you, maybe they're not big enough."

Wise words from Ellen Johnson Sirleaf.  Today, on this night, they bring me comfort.

I am scared. For once I feel like that might be okay, like I might be on the right track. I feel secure in not seeking validation from the opposite sex, from not seeking jobs that I do not want.  Instead I feel validated in being there for my friends in their time of need.

Grant me the wisdom to feel this night after night.